Twitter Cracks Up at Evicted Houseguest’s Excuse

It’s only been one week in the “Big Brother” house and we are exhausted. Frenchie clearly wasn’t, though, as the reigning HOH went into overdrive after securing his two nominees for eviction.

Now that the official work of being the Head of Household was done, Frenchie set about securing his own safety for next week. At least he’s self-aware enough to know that he really “frenched” up his week in power.

And so, the one thing producers were hoping to avoid this season happening happened as Frenchie enacted a plan he’d apparently concocted before coming onto the show by creating the Slaughterhouse alliance.

Minute by minute, it just kept growing and growing until it was fully half of the house (with only two women in it). At the moment, it’s composed of Frenchie, Whitney, Xavier, Kyland, Christian, Derek F, Alyssa, and Brent – whew!

Then, because he wanted to cover all of his bases, Frenchie went to almost all of the other women to create an all-girls alliance … you know, plus him. French Kisses is Frenchie, Hannah, Azah, Tiffany, Claire, and Sarah Beth. You think Britini would care she’s the only one not in an alliance with him.

The sheer gall of doing that was both hilarious and so ridiculous, the ladies were cracking up, but deciding to play along anyway. How sincerely do any of these people mean this alliance? Not much.

Frenchie himself said he doesn’t trust half of the people in The Slaughterhouse (he betrayed most of them, and nominated two of them), and the girls don’t trust him in French Kiss (gag). Hopefully, these alliances don’t last or this will be yet another b-o-r-i-n-g season.

Wednesday’s episode showed us some of the deeper personal moments that can happen in the “Big Brother” house, with contestants talking about LGBTQIA+ representation, as well as minority representation in the house and “Black Lives Matter.”

We absolutely applaud these issues bring brought to light in what is supposed to be a microcosm of our larger society. But we also enjoy the lighter and sillier moments.

If we needed any further proof that Frenchie is not nearly as awesome in this game as he clearly thinks he is, there’s the scene where some of the ladies decided his name would make a perfect substitute for the f-bomb. You can’t say f— on television, but you can say french.

No matter how long he stays in the game, we can’t explain to you just how much we hope this catches on and we hear the contestants using this substitute all summer long. Please make this happen.

Elsewhere, Kyland got an unexpected birthday celebration when the house decided he deserved a lap dance for his birthday. But rather than any of the ladies volunteering to step up, our boy Travis was the right man for the job.

He put on a dress and shaked his moneymaker for Kyland, who took it all with grace. We’re still early enough in the game that everyone is really getting along and there’s a lot of love. We’ll see how long that lasts.

Nobody wants to be the first one evicted from the “Big Brother” house, but it had to be someone. While we’re still worried about that potential powerhouse alliance, we applaud the house for sending Travis home as the bigger threat to win competitions.

Aside from that, though, we’re kind of sad to see him go. Not only did he have a lot of fun giving Kyland that lap dance, proving he’s up for anything, but his save-me speech was genuinely hilarious and bizarre and incredible. He’d have been a lot of fun in the house.

Now, he has one of the most dubious records in “BB” history. He was the absolute last person picked to be on a team — with Claire pointedly telling the cameras he was on her team by default. So he’s the last one picked and the first one kicked … out.

We also think there may be some truth to Frenchie’s belief that he’s a bit of a meathead. Twitter was absolutely dying when he tried to tell Julie that he’d always heard white guys with abs are the first ones to go on “Big Brother.”

Our favorite alliance is The Cookout. We love how subtle it is and we love the idea of the Black players having each other’s backs in this game that has not treated Black players well at all in the previous 22 seasons.

Collectively, they could have an incredible run and that potential kicked off in earnest with Kyland following up Travis’ eviction with an impressive victory in the “Pool Shark” HOH challenge. Alyssa and Brent had the easiest shots, with Brent holding that first spot for so long.

One by one, the other Houseguests all missed their shots. Seven missed shots before Kyland nailed his, and would be the last to do so. And with that, “Big Brother” has its first Black Head of Household since Bayleigh in Season 20, and first Black man since Devin in Season 16.

Talk about a way to celebrate turning 30! And we thought the lap dance was fun. Strike that, the lap dance was fun, but this is triumphant. Not only are the Queens safe (we love Claire), but Tiffany is double safe as a Queen and member of the Cookout.

It was an incredible turnaround for a man who has shown his heart and compassion this week, starting on the Block and winding up in power. The smallest team has the most power right now, and we hope he wields it well.

The Slaughterhouse is about to have its first big test, as Frenchie has to be a target for a lot of people in the house. He strategizes too much, games too much and never shuts up. He’s a huge liability — and that HOH was a mess with betrayal after dumb decision after betrayal after dumb decision.

If he were to choose to honor the Queens, the Cookout and the Slaughterhouse, he’s down to five targets: Derek X, Sarah Beth, Hannah, Britini and Whitney. A woman could go next, as that keeps balance, but what will he do?

All of that is a matter for tomorrow, though — well, the plotting will start tonight. For now, social media is celebrating Kyland’s big moment.

Tiffany Mitchell (40) isn’t the HOH, but he has her ear and she’s still got the absolute best read on this house. In our book, that puts her in the driver’s seat more than even Kyland. With guaranteed safety this week and power, we expect her and the Queens to have a very productive foundation-laying week. Grade: A+

Kyland Young (30) started at the bottom now he here. As we said, he’s got a big heart and a lot of compassion. He’s smart player now flanked by two additional very smart players in Claire and Tiffany. We are predicting a fun (far less tumultuous) week. Grade: A

Derek Frazier (29) is with The Cookout, so he should be good this week, but he’s also still got that whole thing where the entire house loves him and that still carries a lot of weight at this stage of the game. Grade: A

Azah Awasum (30), and Xavier Prather (27) Are riding that wave of Cookout safety. It remains to be seen if they’ll be part of Kyland’s decision-making process. With both he and Tiffany a part of that, we may even see Claire get a temporary invite as they solidify their plans. Grade: A-

Claire Renfuss (25) is not in The Cookout, and may not get to be a part of it, but she’s the only piece of Kyland’s inner circle this week that isn’t. And yet, we sense that he truly adores her, she’s a fierce competitor and a savvy player. If nothing else, she’s good this week and should have some say in how things play out. Grade: A-

Derek Xiao (24) is in a somewhat precarious spot due to his bromance with Travis and being the only gut not in any alliance with Kyland. At the same time, he used his Veto to save Kyland, which should give him enough grace. Plus, with Travis gone (and it’s not like people hated the guy), Derek X is a free agent and not really a threat. We think he’ll be just fine. Grade: B

Alyssa Lopez (24) shared the Block bond with Kyland before Derek X saved him, and she is in the massive Slaughterhouse alliance with him. That alliance may not hold, but if it cracks, we don’t think it’ll be because he wants to target her. She should be fine this week. Grade: B-

Christian Birkenberger (23) is kind of a wild card right now, as we’ve no idea what his relationship with Kyland is. He is another big guy, and seems a more likely target for Kyland than the ladies above, but he’s also not anyone who has raised any red flags. If Kyland decides to honor the Slaughterhouse, though, the ladies below would definitely be in trouble. Grade: B-

Britini D’Angelo (23), Hannah Chaddha (21), Sarah Beth Steagall (27), and Whitney Williams (30) are all in essentially the same position. Kyland is very approachable, so whoever comes to him first with a compelling argument should be able to start building a relationship there. We don’t see a reason Kyland would go after any of them, but for lack of a better target, they’re not close with him. Grade: C+

Brent Champagne (28) is tight with Frenchie, and we think the house knows it. We get that the Slaughterhouse is a thing, but we’re not totally sold on Kyland wanting to stay true to it when it eliminates half of his potential targets. We saw what happened with Frenchie when he tried to honor too many safety deals. Brent could be an easy target. Grade: C

Brandon “Frenchie” French (34) did a lot of work this week to surround himself with alliances, but it might have been too much work. And we’re not sure Kyland is ready to let him off the hook after sowing chaos for a week and putting him on the Block. If nothing else, Frenchie might see it as a pawn, but even that has his dangers. He’s not in a great spot in the house right now, even though he thinks he totally is. Grade: D+

Travis Long (22) showed more personality and fun in this one episode than we’ve seen all this season. This guy we miss. Did the rest of the house know what a delight he could be to have around? We don’t begrudge getting out a big physical threat, but we always hate to lose a great personality. This is supposed to be entertainment, after all. Grade: F

• “Something finally goes right. My ultimate goal this week was to get out a meathead. And guess what? He’s sitting on the block.” –Frenchie (choosing the messiest way to get there)
• “He’s obviously a liar and can’t be trusted. So Frenchie, if I go out, I’m taking you down with me.” –Travis
• “If I go home, I’m going home for no reason, nothing, not  even my fault.” –Alyssa
• “It turns out that Frenchie’s name is a great substitute for the f-bomb.” –Tiffany (and boy do they have fun)
• “If I don’t survive the frenching block this week, I’m totally frenched.” –Alyssa
• “Everybody in here has no idea that they were hand-selected for a single purpose, keeping me safe. What they don’t realize is I don’t trust half of these people in this alliance and I gotta keep a close eye on these people and what better way to do it than to bring these people close. I tell you what, I’m something else.” –Frenchie (very self-impressed)
• “Forming Slaughterhouse is great, but if I can get the other side, too, old Frenchie could do some damage and be covered all the way around.” –Frenchie
• “An all-girls alliance, led be Frenchie, who isn’t a girl … ’cause that makes complete sense.” –Hannah
• “From what I recall, girls start girls’ alliances. I don’t think I need to be in a girls alliance if it was started by a guy.” –Azah
• “After that dance, I know I’ve got Kyland’s vote. I just need six more birthdays before eviction and I should be good.” –Travis
• “If anyone discovers the stain in my bedsheets, it’s not what you think it is. I got pranked with shaving cream while I was sleeping.” –Travis (during save-me speech)
• “Whoever the two were, hell yeah.” –Travis (appreciating the votes)
• “What went wrong for you?’ –Julie (to Travis after his eviction)
• “I mean, I always heard it was the white guy with abs who always gets konked first.” –Travis